WAR ZONE
It was day one
in the war zone. Today was Search and Destroy. It was me against five enemies. If I defuse the bomb I would get a clutch
medal. There were three enemies right in
front of me and I triple shot them. There
were only two enemies left, I looked in front and behind. Which way? Both of the enemies were on
top of a house. They wouldn't be distracted for long, so I fired another flash bomb at them and dashed away from the scene behind me. Without thinking I flung a flash bomb at them, and while they were in shock I defused the bomb. I threw
another flash bomb so it would give me time to throw smoke bombs so I can get
out of the war zone.
-The plural for enemy is enemies not enemy's
ReplyDelete- Change: " I threw another flash bomb so it would give me time to throw smoke bombs so I can get out of the war zone. " to " They wouldn't be distracted for long, so I fired another flash bomb at them and dashed away from the scene behind me."
-change ". I threw a flash bomb and hurt the enemy’s. While they were flashed, I defused the bomb." to "Without thinking I flung a flash bomb at them, and while they were in shock I defused the bomb,"
instead of i triple shot them you should put i triple killed them
ReplyDeleteWell done on your entry this week. I think you've done a great job this week. Your story is exciting and very descriptive. You've some some great vocabulary and used the prompt really well.
ReplyDeleteGreat writing this week.
Ms Brennock
Team 100 w/c
Dublin Ireland